Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
