she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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