I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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