theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Boobs are out for the taking
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
