I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
