Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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