Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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