Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
