i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
