She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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