Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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