allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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