I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
