mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
