Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
