I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
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I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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