Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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