no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
