I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
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The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
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I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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