I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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