First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
