I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
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I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive