I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.