party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
