it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
