yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
