He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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