I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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