Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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