What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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