Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
