Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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