I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
