I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
