only you would photoshop your dick
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
