nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
