"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
