White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
