Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
