I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
