he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
