He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
