The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
