is your mom at the bar?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
