Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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