theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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