shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
