I just saw a hot homeless man
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
