you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
