I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
