I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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