dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
