So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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